Rules
Expectations—we all got 'em. Below you'll find a here and how we expect our mourners to conduct themselves on Morgue property. We ain't lookin' to have the Flames up our crack.
Fightin'
How to Hurt your Opponent for Money and Prizes
All fight posts will be done in /yell.
Fighters will start by rolling for initiative. Highest roll determines post order.
After the first attack emote, both fighters will roll - if the offensive fighter rolls higher, the attack connects; lower, and the opponent defends.
Each subsequent emote must contain both a reaction to the previous post (whether that be taking the hit or defending) and an attack attempt.
The first fighter to land three hits on their opponent is declared the winner. The loser will be allowed one final emote before the fight is called.
Once 30 minutes have elapsed without a victor, the fighter who achieved the most hits on their opponent is declared the winner.
In the event of a tie at the 30 minute mark, Sudden Death will be declared. Both fighters will do one final /random, with the higher roll being declared the winner, and both will be allowed one final emote.
OOC Conduct
Seriously, Don't Be An Asshole
No one under 18 (IC or OOC) may enter. If we learn that you have lied about your age, you will be banned from the venue.
No sexual contact under any circumstances.
Sign-ups via the sign-up sheet will receive priority for the matches, while walk-ins will be scheduled for later matches. We will hold up to seven fights a night.
While we are The New Morgue, killing your opponent is not allowed.
All weapons, armor, and magic are allowed.
Special furniture will be provided for use during the fights. Property damage outside of that is not permitted.
There is to be no fighting outside of The Slab. Patrons attempting to initiate fights will be given one warning before being ejected from the premises.
No godmoding. If you roll lower on defense, you must accept that you have taken a hit. Fighters are allowed some leeway in determining how hard they’ve been hit provided they do not completely undermine their opponent in doing so.
You must inform us beforehand if you prefer aetherical, practical (i.e. potions, stitches, etc.), or no healing. Harassing our healers for doing their jobs is grounds for expulsion.
We may offer sporadic betting opportunities, and patrons are allowed to gamble amongst themselves. We reserve the right to ban anyone from gambling if it becomes necessary.
Tournaments
Now with MORE Money and Prizes
Once a quarter, The New Morgue will hold a ladder tournament for prizes. Winners and finalists will go on to fight in a yearly tournament for greater prizes, a spot on the Carrd, and VIP privileges for the next year.
Tournament fighters must sign up in advance through our sign-up sheet, which will be posted in Discord one week prior to the match.
We will accept the first eight fighters to sign up.
The same rules apply to tournament matches as to regular fights, with the winners of each fight being matched against each other.
Prizes will be awarded to the winner and their final opponent at the end of the night.
Anyone who doesn’t make it to the final match may sign up for the next quarterly tournament. Winners and finalists may not sign up as they will be entered into the yearly tournament.
We reserve the right to disqualify anyone for any reason we see fit. In the event of a disqualification or drop-out, we will select winners from prior matches to move forward.
Special Events
We may hold special events with specific rules for the evening’s matches. These may include only using designated weapons, 2v2 matches, blindfolded matches, etc. Details of these will be announced one week prior to the event.
We Are the Champions...
Welcome to our Tournament HALL OF PAIN. Here you'll find our most recent Tournament winners.
Quarterly Finalists '24
'24 Q2 Finalist
To Be Determined
'24 Q3 Finalist
To Be Determined
'24 Q4 Finalist
To Be Determined
Quarterly Finalists '23
'23 Q1 Finalist
Xau'to Dakwhil
'23 Q2 Finalist
Corinn Mercaia
'23 Q3 Finalist
Togy Brandmakt
'23 Q4 Finalist
Crooked Man "Baba"
Quarterly Finalists '22
'22 Q1 Finalist
Aisiatar Abyligeiss
'22 Q2 Finalist
Jagaldai Kagon
'22 Q3 Finalist
Renaux Mercier
'22 Q4 Finalist
Quincy Caprice
Menu
Our menu is lovingly crafted by our entire staff. All food is prepared by Kaito Seibaku, head chef of The New Morgue, with drinks created and produced by our bar staff.
*Note: All menu and drink gil prices are IC only. OOC payment is not necessary, but it is welcomed and appreciated.
Spicy Tuna Miqo'babs
4000 gil — Skewers of seasoned shark tuna, wild onions, and blood peppers, seared outside with a juicy, pink center. Served medium, hot, or “It’s Your Funeral™️.”
The Devil's Eggs
2000 gil — It's deviled eggs, the party treat we all know and love from countless work lunches and holiday family gatherings. Tasty, paprika-y, deviled. Kaito has me at gunpoint while I write this menu because he wants everyone to know Finley put this on the menu, please tell my wife and kids I love them. Happy Hatchingtide!
Sushi Platter
2000 gil — Chef’s choice of eight pieces nigiri and regular or spicy tuna roll (also available as temaki). Served with miso soup and salad.
Living Dead Cheese Puffs
2000 gil — These delicious choux pastry cheese puffs are formed into the shape of terrifying little skulls, served nice and hot with a bowl of blood. It’s… It’s tomato basil soup, we’re just being edgy.
Hot Wings
2000 gil — Five chicken wings baked or fried to perfection and tossed in hot sauce. Served mild, medium, hot, or “It’s Your Funeral™️.” Comes with a side of celery and dressing of choice.
Death Blossom
5000 gil — Thinly sliced striped fugu sashimi arranged in the shape of a chrysanthemum. Served with just enough tetrodotoxin to create a pleasant tingling sensation in the lips and tongue and a feeling of lightness. (Warning: Consume at your own risk. Chef is a trained and licensed itamae and healers/antidotes are available in the event of emergency.)
This Moon's Special—
The Cardiac Suplex
4000 gil — Upset that you didn't die on the slab? Well have we got something for you! We take only the finest Grade Q Circus Meat (it's really Grade A Ground Auroch, but this was funnier), grill them puppies up nice and medium because we like a juicy Lucy here... and then we top that shit off with like a pound of house smoked, thick cut bacon, a bunch of fucking cheese, the house chili, and some jalapeno slices. It's a vegetable, our insurance made us put it there. And if you eat two of these and don't wind up a vegetable, we'll be impressed.**Suggested by our favorite maniac, Firae.
The Might Die
1000 gil — Ring in the spring with this old tiki favorite - our take on the Mai Tai. Cieldalaes Rum, Rhum Agricole, Orgeat, Dry Curaçao, lime juice, and rock candy syrup are all mixed together and shaken. Served in a big fucking metal skull glass, because why not. We garnish it with big old palm fronds, a sprig of fresh mint, and a little umbrella with swords on it. Feel free to use the umbrella to gently assault your friends!
Atrocity of the Moon
No Charge, It's Your Funeral — Think you can handle this drink challenge for a chance at free drinks for the night? These drinks aren’t for the weak of stomach! Ask a bartender or wait staff about it, if you dare!**Found by the side of the road outside Koh's house.
This Moon's Special—
Duck Around And Find Out
5000 gil — We're really wishing in summer with this bathtub full of booze. One of the most complicated cocktails we've put on the menu, we craft a housemade butter-infused demerara rum and shake that together with Maelstrom Overproof, almond liqueur, blue curacao, lemon and pineapple juice, and a few dashes of tropical Cieldalaes Tiki bitters. The drink is finished with a splash of cream and served in a little bathtub - stolen from the Still and Strings. We even finish it with a custom Undertaker Rubber Ducky. He has an axe, and he wants to beat the shit out of your taste buds.**Suggested by Eorzea's pinkest monster, Martin.
Fight O’Clock 2: Aetheric Boogaloo
1000 gil — Rum, Amaretto, orange juice, pineapple juice, fruit skewer garnish. Instead of wishing you were on a warm beach at Costa del Sol this Starlight season, enjoy a tropical cocktail by the Slab instead. Rum, Amaretto, and fruit juices poured over ice and shaken well. Garnished with a skewer of assorted tropical fruits, and the feeling of being duped into buying the same drink for another season.
Tears of Yafaem
1000 gil — This mix of alchemical potives and potions is a throwback to the great civilizations of old, with a few liquors we rose straight from the grave. Genever, alchemical Yellow Chartreuse, and Yafaemi Benedictine are combined with some fresh lemon juice and shaken with ice. Served in a coupe glass with a twist of lemon, a high class touch to a low class place.
The Tia Tea'a
3000 gil — The Morgue's hottest new drink for spring is the Tia Tea'a. Lovingly called the "Twink Obliterator" by several of our patrons, this cocktail has everything: vodka, tequila, RUM... dry curaçao, gin, lemon juice, simple syrup, and a Foamy Top. That's that thing where you pour a splash of cola on top of the drink to make it effervescent. So come on down to the New Morgue bar where spring's the thing, and get a Tia Tea'a today.
Additional wines and spirits are available courtesy of Chateau le Mer d’Sud.
Blood and Sand
1000 gil — Orange juice, sweet vermouth, cherry heering and scotch mixed with ice and strained into a coupe glass, garnished with a slice of blood orange.**Signature drink of Azamald Blackthorne, the Ripper of Ul’dah
Sacred Coin
1000 gil — This ode to the Catacombs of Ul'dah is our take on a smoky, spirit-forward cocktail you might find in richer hands. Smoky mezcal and the herbaceous Liquore Stregha - the Liquor of the Witch - are combined in a crystal pitcher and stirred up a splash of Antica Rosso sweet vermouth and a dash of Grapefruit Bitters. The drink is strained out and served on the rocks with a garnish of smoked sea salt. Truly a grave drink, for a grave twink.**Signature drink of Micha'li/The Tailor
Death March
1000 gil — Like the relentless dragons of the Coerthan wilds, this drink is blood thirsty and unforgiving. Two-era aged Ishgardian bourbon is paired with tart cherry liqueur and tangerine bitters to create a sharp, full bodied cocktail that'll have you praying to the Fury herself. Served in a cedar-smoked rocks glass rimmed in course sugar, and garnished with cherries and an orange peel.**Signature drink of Sholto De Bastille
Eh, Bucket
420 gil — This drink is just... a big fucking bucket of the cheapest piss swill beer we could source from the 4th most disreputable alcohol broker in Limsa Lominsa. They call it Ole Cap'n Hyram's Left Boot. It was probably made in a boot. Anyway, it's a bucket of cheap shit beer served in a bucket... did we previously use it to mop the floor? Yeah, probably. Not like you'd care.**Signature drink of Nhala Bajhiri
The Blood Moon
1000 gil — A cocktail purposefully adapted for moonshine to highlight its qualities with added complexity. A waltz in a glass with moonshine, aromatized wine with the flavors of orange blossom and elderflower, dry vermouth, green chartreuse, and a splash of maraschino. Garnished with a twist of orange and served in a chilled glass.**Signature drink of Marvina Lieuxmordt
The Departed Memory
1000 gil — A cocktail simply made of Ilsabardian Gin and Dalmascan bitters in memory of departed comrades and wars gone by.**Signature drink of Firae Elric
Guy Fiore
6900 gil — This layered, rainbow pousse-cafe cocktail layers a variety of liqueurs that we suggest drinking slowly to savor each individually. From top to bottom brandy, yellow chartreuse, creme de menthe, maraschino, creme de violette, and grenadine will take your taste buds on a one way trip to flavor meown. Seriously, be careful... it's like 5 onzes of liquor. One per customer.**Signature drink of Mish Fiore
Duplicity
1000 gil — A cocktail of aged & high-proof rum, Hannish coconut liqueur, cold-brew coffee and juices of the freshest pineapple and lemon. Shake and strained into a hurricane glass, it is served with cracked ice and strawberry garnish. Fruity and sweet.... yet deceptively spiked in both booze and caffeine.**Signature drink of Rukai Sanagati
Founding Patrons
Find below our founding patrons - those individuals who have been with us for a long while, and whose contributions and donations have allowed us to grow into the venue that we are today. Without these individuals, we never would've been able to accomplish what we have. The entire New Morgue team would like to thank you for believing in our vision, and look forward to seeing you remain a part of our organization as we continue on into the future.Thank you again for all of your efforts and donations. Now get back to the SLAB!
Founders (Lifetime VIPs)
Staff
Listen, someone's gotta be dumb enough to work here.
Management
The inmates run this asylum.
Floor Manager — They/Them
Martin Freepaw
Shot Callers
It's all pretty pictures and ugly words. Just like a funeral, baby.
Bar Staff
There's nothing tender about these bartenders.
Support Staff
Because not everyone has social skills.
